Tuesday, September 01, 2009

True Lust

Made this entry using E71 at around 7:00 a.m.
Sometimes, if I think I have great things ahead of me--- a sudden rush of depression suddenly replaces it, my determination of doing anything at all, crashes, burns into ashes that flickers my eyes into seeing what's ahead, what I want. I want it badly that it drives me crazy everyday, oh no, not everyday, every second, every heartbeat, every breath. It still, like now, drives me insanely awake, my mind can't stop thinking of what would it be, what should I become. Is it still right? To push myself to the limit? Can I handle this? Is this really for me? I believe that this is for me, but then why do I have this f*cking feeling. I should not doubt, I must be strong. Am I leaving the real world, and entering something fancy again, is it so hard to reach? Fancy as it may seem, other people can do it, so can I, and I believe I can do better.
Why do I lust for this badly? Doesn't survival or surviving enough? More questions, more questions everyday. I think I know my answer, nothing will be enough, is it material self talking, I think no, it's about the GLORY, proving my worth, proving I can do better, proving that I have the capacity to atleast try, not try but to succeed, but at the little side it's still being materialistic--- money, power--- I want that un-refuse-able scent of authority, a stronger point-finger striking out, and waiting to be obeyed.
What is this? Who am I convincing? You or me.